Help Kids and Teens Build Independence: Tips for Parents
It feels like just yesterday that I was an anxious teenager with my own (shared) set of wheels and a slick, pink Razr cell phone, which I’d use to call my parents from the side of a road for MapQuest directions and excessive reassurance that I would eventually find my way home if I could simply calm down and focus.
Back then, it was popular for the media to criticize the “millennial generation” for being an emotionally stunted, self-absorbed bunch who were too coddled to take on the responsibilities of adulthood.
And yet, here we are! Somehow, millennials and young Gen Xers have found ourselves in the thick of middle adulthood - with many parenting a new generation of children who have been impacted in complex and unforeseeable ways by the world we’re living in today. While some of us are parenting young children, others are already helping our preteens and teens navigate into an uncertain future. What steps can we take now to help them become confident, capable young adults who can survive on their own?
Trends in Prolonged Adult Development
There’s been a measurable shift in the amount of time it takes for kids today to transition into independent adulthood. Older adults who came of age around the start of the 1980s experienced a world where it was more common to achieve traditional milestones—such as starting full-time work, moving into their own place, or getting married—earlier in life.
By their early twenties, many were already beginning to navigate the responsibilities of adulthood. Today, that’s less common. Many of us who entered adulthood in the 90s and 00s may have faced delays in achieving these same milestones due to factors like economic recessions, global crises, the rising cost of living, or the increasing need for higher education, which often came with the burden of student loan debt. As a result, many of today’s young parents have spent years accruing student loan debt, working part-time jobs or in internships, and struggling to secure sustainable sources of income and health coverage.
Now, our kids may reach adulthood across an even longer timeline. Many young adults today are choosing to stay in school longer, explore more various post-high school options, or continue living at home well into their mid-20s (and sometimes beyond). According to recent data from the Pew Research Center, 43% of young adults ages 18 to 29 live with their parents in 2023, compared to just 29% in 1983.
Additionally, fewer young adults are achieving key milestones like full-time employment, which impacts their financial independence. As a result, today’s youngest adults are spending more time in a kind of “pre-adulthood” phase, where full independence is harder to define and harder to achieve. While the landscape of early adult development has changed, parents can adapt to these shifts and help kids have experiences that build their confidence and competence as future adults.
But Why? Factors Impacting Our Kids’ Future Adult Development
Rising Costs: College tuition, housing, and living expenses have increased, making it harder for families to help their teens launch into adulthood.
Constant Connection: Smartphones provide easy access for quick, frequent communication between kids and their parents, which can prevent kids from problem-solving and managing emotional responses independently.
Uncertain Future: With the job market fluctuating and the cost of living rising, many young adults feel pressure to delay independence until they have a clearer path forward.
More Parental Support: Young parents are more likely to provide financial or emotional support for longer, often out of necessity, but also due to the close-knit relationships we’ve cultivated with our kids.
Increased Awareness of Mental Health: Today’s parents are more likely to prioritize stability and well-being, sometimes resulting in delayed independence as teens continue to receive support while navigating their own emotional growth.
What Does This Mean for Today’s Kids?
Today’s kids are more likely to enter adulthood impacted by delayed financial growth, gaps in their communication and self-advocacy skills, and the potential for prolonged dependence on their parents. This is not necessarily a problem.
The truth is, the bonds between teens and their parents today are reportedly very strong, and this deep connection can lead to improved outcomes for kids. On the other hand: parenting is more demanding than ever. Between the emotional rollercoaster of adolescence and the external pressures of a world that’s rapidly changing, it can feel like we’re trying to get everything right in an impossible situation. And that’s where we, as parents, can make adjustments to our approach.
It is worthwhile to try and gently guide our kids toward building trust in themselves, fostering their independence, and helping them feel confident enough to take on life’s challenges headfirst. Here are five steps we can take to support them in this journey:
5 Steps to Support Your Teen’s (or Kid’s) Independence:
Give Them Real Responsibilities: Kids of all ages benefit from opportunities to practice independence. Start small with everyday tasks like caring for a pet, making shopping lists, or cleaning up a shared living space. Teens can learn to make their own appointments, cook dinner once a week, or keep a car clean and filled with gas. Having structured opportunities to establish these skills will help them build confidence and experience managing the practical parts of life. Encouraging them to make these efforts without reflexively asking for help, and emphasizing that mistakes are okay, is an important component of a parent’s role in this type of learning experience.
Encourage Problem-Solving: Even when your child does need help, instead of jumping in to fix things, first offer your child or teen space and encouragement to navigate problems on their own. To guide without fixing, try asking questions like, “So what steps have you taken so far? And what is not working? What is a different approach you can try?” Allow the process of solving the problem to be the main focus. “Let’s see what happens.”
Foster Open Communication: Teach them how to advocate for themselves in both personal and professional situations. Whether it's politely asking a question in public, emailing a teacher to request a meeting, or ordering items from a menu, practicing engaging with adults to gather information is an easy way to help your child learn to navigate social and professional situations with more ease.
Model Healthy Boundaries: As you navigate your own adult responsibilities, show them how to work through problems calmly and ask for help when appropriate. Create opportunities for them to practice what they have watched you do, and give them space to feel uncomfortable while learning. When they’re ready to handle something on their own, set clear limits on your own availability and expectations, but also demonstrate how to ask for and accept help when needed.
Celebrate Small Wins: Acknowledge their achievements, no matter how small they may seem. Whether they’re navigating a tough conversation with a friend or finally figuring out how to do their own laundry, every step toward independence is important. This builds confidence in their growing abilities, which is crucial for emotional development.
The path to adulthood may ultimately be prolonged for many of today’s kids and teens, but parents today have the opportunity to create learning experiences that build kids’ confidence and trust in themselves. By fostering these connections, we can help our kids develop the skills they need to navigate the challenges of life and grow into independent, self-assured adults.
Contact me to learn more about how educational psychology services can help your child strengthen their problem-solving, communication, and self-advocacy skills at school! I offer executive function coaching, parental guidance, and a non-judgmental approach to helping students deepen their confidence and self-trust for better educational experiences.
